Putin Orders Americans: “Don’t Give Up Your Guns”

Following his statement, British intelligence officers and their C.I.A. counterparts scrambled to decipher hidden meaning in Putin’s words, assuming the blunt message contained a hidden agenda known only to Putin and his trusted Kremlin associates. An unnamed state department official hand delivered the message to the C.I.A.’s cryptography department in Langley, Va,  where senior agents scrutinized it for subtle clues. Alas, after an intensive three day analysis, the C.I.A. discovered no secrets and abandoned its efforts. An agency representative, speaking off the record, said “We tried our best. If his words have hidden meaning, then Russia’s ability to cipher messages exceeds our ability to decode them.”

Our Washington source confirmed that Putin’s sudden interest in America’s 2nd Amendment shocked Washington. It’s no secret that the Obama Administration, in collusion with its liberal media subordinates, has been in a prolonged battle to deny law-abiding American citizen’s the right to bear arms, as dictated by the 2nd Amendment. Many freedom fighters and patriots believe that gun confiscation is imminent, that Obama, before leaving office, will declare marshal law and use the National Guard and other military assets to seize all privately owned firearms, door-to-door. Obama’s coup de grace to the American people.

Putin’s interest in what is clearly an internal American issue was the mystery.

Our man in Moscow unearthed facts that–when made public–will shake Washington to its foundations.

Russian “sleeper” agents are embedded within the highest ranks of the N.R.A and American militia groups. These agents live normal lives; have typical families. They have jobs and responsibilities like any average American. In fact, they are not aware they are agents of Putin. A sleeper agent is a spy who is placed in a target country or organization, not to undertake an immediate mission, but rather to act as a potential asset if activated. The agents have been conditioned via Russia’s aggressive mind control program; intense psychological conditioning combined with “microchips in their brains” guarantees compliance.

Our confidential source risked his life to uncover Putin’s motives. “President Putin believes his is acting in the world’s best interest,” our source said. “He has undertaken this mission out of necessity, not malice. He is convinced that Hillary Clinton, if elected president, will start a nuclear war; Putin has acted to ensure that never happens.”

If Hillary Clinton is elected the next President of the United States, Putin’s “sleeper” agents will automatically activate and stage a coup against Clinton before she can blow up the world. N.R.A. officials and militia leaders will “awaken” and encourage their brethren to take up arms. “This is why Putin wants Americans to have their guns,” our source said. “They will need their weapons for an insurrection against Clinton.”

Word of the coup would rapidly spread across the nation, encouraging more American’s to arm themselves against a confused and dangerous leader. According to our source, Putin believes an organized coup would dethrone a besieged Hillary Clinton within two weeks.  Important to note, our source continues, is that Putin’s actions are contingent on Hillary Clinton being elected; on the other hand, Putin views Trump as a kindred spirit, a potential ally, and will withdraw his agents if Trump takes the White House.